Socially acceptable behaviours in the Deaf community that I want you to know
As many of you will know, I am a CODA (Child of Deaf Adults), and I grew up as part of the Deaf community. Although I am hearing, I share many of the cultural experiences, values and ways of communicating that surrounded me growing up.
People often tell me that I am very expressive and that I move my hands a lot when I talk.
That makes complete sense to me. Spanish Sign Language is my first language, so hands, facial expressions, eye contact and body movement have always been a natural part of how I communicate.
But here's something I've noticed over the years... Some behaviours that feel completely ordinary within the Deaf community can be misunderstood by hearing people:
"Why are they pointing at me?"
"That sounded a bit blunt..."
"Why did they tap me?"
"Why are they staring at me while I'm talking?"
If you're judging these behaviours using hearing cultural rules, some of them can seem unusual or even rude. But put them into a Deaf cultural context and suddenly they make much more sense.
So, let me introduce you to a few.
One important note before we start: there isn't one single way to "be Deaf". Deaf people are individuals, and culture, language, age, background and personal preferences all play a part. What I'm describing here are behaviours commonly found within signing Deaf communities, rather than rules every Deaf person follows.
FACIAL EXPRESSIONS ARE PART OF THE LANGUAGE
If you're hearing, you're probably used to communicating meaning through your voice without consciously thinking about it: Volume, intonation, stress, pitch and tone can completely change the meaning of the same words.
Signed languages use visual information instead: Facial expressions, head movements and body movements can all contribute to meaning, and some non-manual features have grammatical functions in BSL.
So when a Deaf person is signing expressively, don't assume they're being dramatic, angry or "too much". You may simply be watching the language doing its job.
➤ Top tip: Please don't ask a Deaf person to tone down their facial expressions because they make someone uncomfortable.
And definitely don't grab someone's hands to stop them signing. Imagine somebody physically covering your mouth while you were halfway through a sentence. That's much closer to how that interruption can feel.
EYE CONTACT MATTERS
This is one of the biggest cultural differences for some hearing people.
In a visual conversation, you need to be looking to receive the language.
If someone is signing to you and you suddenly start checking your phone or looking around the room, you've potentially stopped receiving what they're saying.
Think of it this way: if you were speaking to somebody and they suddenly put their headphones on halfway through your sentence, you'd probably wonder whether they were still listening.
➤Top Tip: When someone is signing to you, give them your visual attention. If you genuinely need to look away, communicate that rather than simply disappearing from the conversation visually.
A TAP ON THE SHOULDER ISN'T RUDE
How do you get somebody's attention when calling their name isn't useful?
You use something they can access visually or physically.
Within Deaf culture, a light tap on the shoulder or upper arm is a normal way to get someone's attention.
For hearing people who have been taught not to touch strangers or colleagues, this can initially feel surprisingly direct.
Within the right context, however, there's nothing strange about it.
➤Top Tip: A couple of light, clear taps on the shoulder or upper arm are enough. Avoid touching someone's head, face or other inappropriate areas of their body.
And please don't grab them.
DIRECT COMMUNICATION CAN SOUND BLUNT TO HEARING PEOPLE
This one has caused some interesting cultural misunderstandings!
Hearing culture, particularly British hearing culture, can involve quite a lot of indirect language.
"I'm not sure that's quite what I had in mind..."
might actually mean:
"No. Absolutely not." 😅
Communication within Deaf communities can sometimes be much more direct and visually descriptive.
Descriptions of someone's appearance, for example, may be used simply because they are an efficient way of identifying who you're talking about.
A hearing person may interpret that through hearing social conventions and think:
"You can't say that!"
But you're applying one culture's rules to another.
Context matters.
➤Top Tip: Before deciding somebody is being rude, consider whether you might simply be experiencing a different communication style.
WAVING, STAMPING AND FLASHING THE LIGHTS CAN ALL GET SOMEONE'S ATTENTION
Imagine you're in a room full of Deaf people and need everyone's attention.
Shouting "EXCUSE ME!" isn't particularly useful, so Deaf communities use visual and physical alternatives.
You might wave if someone is further away. In some settings, stamping on the floor or tapping a table can create a vibration. Flashing the room lights briefly can also be used to attract the attention of a group.
To a hearing person who doesn't know why it's happening, this can look rather dramatic.
Once you understand the reason, it's incredibly practical.
➤Top Tip: Never throw objects at someone to attract their attention. There are much more respectful ways to do it.
YES, POINTING IS NORMAL
This is probably one of my favourites because so many hearing children grow up hearing:
"Don't point! It's rude!"
Then you enter a signing environment and everybody is pointing! 😄
Pointing has linguistic functions in signed languages. It can identify people, places and things and establish references within a conversation.
So if someone points at you while signing, don't immediately panic and wonder what you've done. They may simply be referring to... you.
Different culture doesn't mean bad manners
This is really what I want people to take away from this article: When we don't understand another culture, it's very easy to interpret behaviour through our own rules.
Eye contact feels intense.
Pointing feels rude.
Touching someone's shoulder feels unusual.
Direct descriptions feel blunt.
Facial expressions seem exaggerated.
Then you learn the cultural and linguistic reason behind them and think:
"Ohhh... that actually makes perfect sense."
That's why Deaf awareness goes much further than learning a few signs.
Understanding Deaf culture helps us stop judging behaviours we don't yet understand and makes communication much more comfortable for everyone, and if you're ever unsure what an individual Deaf person prefers? Ask them.
You don't need to memorise a giant rulebook before talking to a Deaf person. Be curious, respectful and willing to learn.
Now I'm curious: which of these surprised you the most? Or is there another Deaf cultural behaviour you think hearing people should know about?
